I’ve got a big decision to make. I thought it was going to be much easier than it’s proving to be, but quite frankly, I’m stumped.
I’ve meditated on the decision. I’ve floated with the decision. I’ve sought counsel from friends, professionals, and even strangers. And, as is typical for me, I’ve done lots and lots of reading and research. Still, no answer is coming to reveal itself as the “right” one.
Last night, in meditation, I received this message: a choice is just a choice. Hmm.
I read something recently. I can’t remember where I read it, so I can’t bring it up and spell it out in all its detail, but the gist of it was this: whatever choice you make, it will be the right one because it’s the one that will move you forward in your journey. It will change where you’re at right now by creating new circumstances for your life, and those circumstances will be precisely the ones you’re supposed to occupy.
It occurs to me that a friend has given me similar advice in the past, granting me permission to make my own decisions because they’re mine and will be “right” for me because I’m the one making them and this journey is mine.
Someone told me recently that I’m too caught up in my own opinions about things, specifically as they relate to what I do with the next phase of my life. This baffles me more than a bit because it seems like my “opinions” ought to be the ones that matter most on my journey. Not because they can’t be changed or adapted or ebb and flow with new insight (they’ve certainly done a lot of shifting over the years, particularly as a result of new experiences) and not even because they’re “right”…but because, ultimately, they’re the ones that guide my life, and my life wouldn’t really be mine at all if it were guided primarily by the opinions of others. Would it?
It goes back to that advice (and opinion, if you will) I took from a friend some time ago: keep your own counsel.
With regards to this particular decision, lots of people have weighed-in. Most of them have said “This is what I think, based on what I know and what I feel, but ultimately the decision is yours and I support you in it, no matter what.” Excepting that one person. She says my life doesn’t look like I hoped it would because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions enough, specifically hers I suppose. Apparently, she thinks I’m selfish with my decisions.
In reality, I’ve pleaded with friends and confidantes and professionals to give me an answer to this question that’s burning inside of me. All of them have told me it’s mine to find, mine to discover, mine to…muddle through. I hate that. But as it turns out, I trust all of their counsel more than that of this one person who is certain that her counsel is the only “right choice” for me. Maybe that’s because they’re ultimately more like me – pretty sure that one thing’s for certain – uncertainty. And also, it’s funny how much trust they put in me to, well, do right for and by me.
One of them sent me a funny (as my grandma would have called it) featuring a unicorn lying on its back in a psychiatrist’s office with the doctor telling her “You need to believe in yourself.” (Eek.)
Maybe I was meant to read what I read; maybe those words were my answer (the right words at the right time, as Marlo Thomas would say). When faced with a decision (that’s not a question of right or wrong or morality or ethics), maybe there really is no “wrong” choice. I suppose if I make a decision I ultimately regret, it will be for the best that I made it myself instead of chancing someone else to lead my life astray.
So, here’s to making a choice and trusting that, for better or worse, it’s precisely the right one for me right now.