I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mother.

For as long as I can remember, this has been my life’s goal.  I’ve dedicated more time, energy, and passion to this single pursuit than to any other aim.

It’s been an exhausting and often devastating pursuit.  I’ve felt like I failed because my life doesn’t look like what I always imagined it would.  I’ve blamed myself, questioned my worth, and resented friends and even strangers who’ve found the relationships and built the families that have seemed ever-elusive to me. 

I can’t begin to quantify the time and moneys I’ve put toward the goal of finding a mate.  A few weeks ago, I was ready to spend $2800 on a match-making service that could only guarantee me 4 dates in 6 months.  That’s $700/date.  With, of course, no promise of connection. 

Then, a friend gave me a very stern talking to.  She told me what my “quest” looked like from the outside, essentially, told me how futile it seemed and how exhausting she observed it to be.  She also said “You’re better than this.”  I’d heard it before, but I’d never really heard it the way I heard it then, in the aftermath of yet another failed relationship. 

It hurt.  Her words felt harsh and uncaring.  But I know her heart, and I know they came from a place of great caring.  So, I shed some tears, took some inventory, then deleted my dating apps and decided, at her suggestion, to do the unthinkable: for six months, I’m abandoning my search.

The prospect of this is terrifying.  When another friend suggested some time ago that I should “just stop looking,” I told her she was crazy.  What would that even look like?  How could I possibly separate who I am – how I live – from everything I’ve ever wanted? 

Well, that’s what I’m about to find out.  Or give a good shot at anyway. 

Someone asked me recently “Do you ever think maybe you haven’t met your mate because you haven’t done all the stuff you’re supposed to do before you get to that phase of your life?”  Well, no, I’d never considered that, or if I had, I’d left it at that – a consideration, nothing to actually act upon.  But maybe, just maybe, I’ve got some unfinished business I’m supposed to tend to. 

The morning after “the talk,” I read an article in The Atlantic about mid-life career change.  Currently, I’m seeking such a change, so the read was well-timed.  The article spoke of passion and purpose and got me thinking about how these qualities of life can intersect with career and/or be separate from and supported by career.  I’m not sure which “route” I’ll take – seeking a career that aligns with my passions or finding a career that satisfies me and leaves me with enough energy to pursue my passions outside of it – but either way, I’ve never paid much attention to career pursuits because, well, isn’t that what husbands are for?  Kidding.  Kinda.

For the next six months or so, I’m gonna do me.  I joined a dragon boating team.  I registered for my first trail run.  I’m taking rock climbing classes.  I’m remodeling my kitchen and bathroom.  I plan to join a book club, do more yoga, and enjoy my dinners out without constantly looking around for the next best thing (er, man) to come through the door. 

I’m also finally starting the blog I’ve been talking about for way too long.  My posts won’t always center on my not searching…but it’s that not searching that’s finally giving me the bandwidth to explore my love of writing…and, perhaps, the courage to share it.

Here’s to facing my fears.  And finally getting around to finishing some business.

6 thoughts on “Unfinished Business

  1. Congratulations my friend on your new blog. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and be venerable but I believe there will only be positive results from this endeavor. The first thought that popped into my head when I finished reading was yes, you probably have more growth to experience before you’re ready for Mr. Right. Whether he comes along or not you’ll then have grown to be content with your current status. My second thought or advice is to try and be totally in the present. Try to fully engaged and enjoy the task at hand and ‘be in the now’ and you’ll not even think about whether you single or not. Pratice lots of gratitude and remember everything is happening exactly the way it’s suppose to be and you’ll be well on your way to being full of peace and serenity! Hugs to you!! T

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are brave and you will are an inspiration. Thanks for taking time to step out! You will be better because of this! Praying for wisdom and strength and you move through this next season! Loved your first post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good work. Just keep writing, it will help you work through your thoughts and feelings. I have seen many times in my life both personally and professionally that when I stop trying so hard for something it (or something better) happens.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Up until the 4th paragraph, I was like whoa, this is me. I feel your pain cousin. While I don’t have any great advice or insights, I think you have to be happy and fulfilled with you first. I, too, long for my soulmate, but would much rather be happy alone than in an unhappy relationship. I thought I had found the one long ago, and I spent the time and effort over 7.5 years to try to cultivate it, and, yes, I was devistated to hear how he got married, took the honeymoon we talked about; he had the son and daughter we talked about, his wife has the life she has because of degrees I helped him earn (or earned for him). I realized that I couldn’t hold on to that anger and disappointment or I’d never move forward. I can always hope to get married and have a family, but I cheat myself out of life’s opportunities if that’s my sole focus. Maybe 2016 will be the year for both of us…


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